No one could call these the best of times - the direst economic figures for fifty years, the grimmest climatic prospects for ten thousand. Troubles that play upon our fear of the unknown, like the potential flu pandemic, and troubles we know all too well: Iraq, Sudan, Afghanistan, North Korea... We are far away from that blissful era, a mere eighty years ago, when the BBC could announce to a waiting nation and Empire, "the news tonight: there is no news tonight."

Yet, on closer inspection, these are the best of times - or very close to them. Despite the many dangers we see around us, we are, on average, longer lived, better fed, better educated, and safer than we have ever been. Famine, disease, war, natural disasters, industrial accidents, death on the road, rails, or in the air - we have less personally to fear from all of these than at any time in human history. Why, then, are we sleeping so badly?

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MIAMI (Reuters) - A former Roman Catholic priest and media celebrity who left the Catholic Church last month after he was photographed cuddling a woman on a Florida beach has married his girlfriend, local media reported on Wednesday.

Alberto Cutie, 40, who joined the Episcopalian Church after the photos scandal stoked debate over the Catholic celibacy requirement for priests, married 35-year-old Ruhama Buni Canellis on Tuesday in a civil ceremony, the Miami Herald reported.

Embattled priest, Father Albert Cutié left the Roman Catholic Archdiose for the Episcopal church and announced that he will marry Ruhama Canellis, the woman at the center of the religious scandal that has rocked the Miami area.

Cutié and Canellis had apparently been having an affair for two years when they were photographed frolicking on the beach and kissing. Those photos, which ran in TV Notas a few weeks ago, led to the Father being forced to leave his congregation and posts in the Archdiocese of Miami. At the time, Cutié said he wasn't sure which direction his life would take, or whether he would continue being a Catholic priest. The whole ordeal had been the cause of much soul searching on his part, especially since the woman at the heart of the matter was not a fling, but rather someone he loved.

Cutié and Canellis participated in a small, private cermony yesterday surrounded by Priests and deacons from the Episcopal church, many of whom were accompanied by their wives. Bishop Leo Frade, head of the Episcopal Diocese of Southeast Florida, led the ceremony as the couple were officially accepted into the Episcopal church.

"I am continuing the call to spread God's love," Cutié told the Miami Herald, pointing out that he had experienced a "deep spiritual and ideological struggle."

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A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, "When I am worried about getting nervous on the
pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get
nervous, I take a sip."

So next Sunday the priest took the Monsignor's advice. At the beginning
of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a
storm. Upon his return to his office after mass, he found the following
note on the door.

l. Sip the Vodka, don't gulp.
2. There are 10 commandments, not 12.
3. There are 12 disciples, not 10.
4. Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.
5. Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.
6. We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.
7. The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the Spook.
8. David slew Goliath, he did not kick the shit out of him.

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ABBY ADMITTED SHE WAS AT A LOSS TO ANSWER THE FOLLOWING:
Dear Abby, A couple of women moved in across the hall from me. One is a middle-aged gym teacher and the other is a social worker in her mid-twenties. These two women go everywhere together and I've never seen a man go into or leave their apartment. Do you think they could be Lebanese?

Dear Abby, What can I do about all the Sex, Nudity, Fowl Language and Violence On My VCR?

Dear Abby, I have a man I can't trust. He cheats so much, I'm not even sure the baby I'm carrying is his.

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Who thinks of these things?

George Carlin on aging!

George Carlin's Views on Aging

Do you realize that the only time in our lives when we like to get old is when we're kids? If you're less than 10 years old, you're so excited about aging that you think in fractions.

'How old are you?' 'I'm four and a half!' You're never thirty-six and a half. You're four and a half, going on five! That's the key.

You get into your teens, now they can't hold you back. You jump to the next number, or even a few ahead.

'How old are you?' 'I'm gonna be 16!' Yo! u could be 13, but hey, you're gonna be 16! And then the greatest day of your life! You become 21. Even the words sound like a ceremony. YOU BECOME 21. YESSSS!!

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I am now, probably for the first time in my life, the person I have always wanted to be. Oh, not my body! I sometimes despair over my body, the wrinkles, the baggy eyes, and the sagging butt. And often I am taken aback by that old person that lives in my mirror (who looks like my mother!), but I don't agonize over those things for long.

I would never trade my amazing friends, my wonderful life, my beautiful loving family for less gray hair or a flatter belly. As I've aged, I've become more kind to myself, and less critical of myself.
I've become my own friend.
I don't chide myself for eating that extra cookie, or for not making my bed, or for buying that silly cement gecko that I didn't need, but looks so avante garde on my patio. I am entitled to a treat, to be messy, to be extravagant.

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