A Jewish man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained consciousness. Now you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be ok, you'll walk again and everything, but your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."

The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch."

The man perks up. "So," the doctor says,"You must decide how many inches you want. But this is something you should discuss with your wife.
IF you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision."

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You remember the old Jewish Catskill comics of Vaudeville days: Shecky Greene, Red Buttons, To tie Fields, Joey Bishop, Milton Berle, Jan Murray, Danny Kaye, Henny Young man, Buddy Hackett, Sid Caesar, Groucho Marx, Jackie Mason, Victor Borge, Woody Allen, Joan Rivers, Lenny Bruce, George Burns, Allan Sherman, Jerry Lewis, Peter Sellers, Carl Reiner, Shelley Berman, Gene Wilder, George Jessel, Alan King, Mel Brooks, Phil Silvers, Jack Carter, Rodney Dangerfield, Don Rickles, Jack Benny and so many others.

Here are samples of their work:

Not one single swear word in their comedy.

*I just got back from a pleasure trip. I took my mother-in-law to the airport.

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A Jewish farmer, walking through his hay field, notices a man kneeling down and scooping up water to drink from his farm pond. The farmer shouts:

"Trink nicht die wasser. Die keyen haben gesheissen dorten".

(Which means: "Don't drink the water, the cows s*** in it")

The kneeling man shouts back, angrily, "I'm a Muslim, I don't understand you. I speak Arabic and English. If you can't speak in the sacred tongue of Islam, speak to me in English."

The Jewish farmer replies, "Use two hands, you'll get more.

Walking through San Francisco's Chinatown, a tourist from the Midwest was enjoying the artistry of all the Chinese restaurants, shops, signs and banners when he turned a corner and saw a building with the sign "Moshe Plotnik's Laundry."

"Moshe Plotnik?" he wondered. "How does that belong in Chinatown?" He walked into the shop and saw a fairly standard looking dry cleaner, although he could see that the proprietors were clearly aware of the uniqueness of the store name as there were baseball hats, T-shirts and coffee mugs emblazoned with the logo "Moshe Plotnik's Chinese Laundry."

The tourist selected a coffee cup as a conversation piece to take back to his office. Behind the counter was a smiling old Chinese gentleman who thanked him for his purchase.

The tourist asked, "Can you explain how this place got a name like 'Moshe Plotnik's Laundry?”

The old man answered, "Ah...Evleebody ask me that. It name of owner."

Looking around, the tourist asked, "Is he here?"

"It me," replies the old man.

"Really? You're Chinese. How did you ever get a name like Moshe Plotnik?"

"Is simple," said the old man. "Many, many year ago I come to this country. I standing in line at 'Documentation Center of Immigration.' Man in front of me was Jewish man from Poland. Lady at counter look at him and say, "What your name?" He say, "Moshe Plotnik."

Then she look at me and say, "What's your name?"

I say, "Sam Ting."

The Jewish Peddler, Yankel Goldstein, in his late 80s and still gainfully employed as a ribbon salesman, has been trying, unsuccessfully, to sell ribbon to Macy's for many years.

Last week, he made another attempt to speak with the anti-Semitic buyer. "Goldstein," the buyer says, "you've been trying to sell me ribbon for at least 25 years. Now is your chance. Send me enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis." Three days later, four tractor trailers full of yellow ribbon drive u p to Macy's receiving dock. The ribbon buyer goes ballistic. He calls Goldstein and yells, "What's going on??? I only ordered enough yellow ribbon to reach from the tip of your nose to the tip of your penis, and you send me four truck loads full of it!"
Goldstein replies calmly: "The tip of my penis is in Poland."

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